A Conversation wish i could have

ME:   Hey,How are you?

YOU: I am fine

ME: how is your duty going in hospital?

YOU: Fine

ME: How is you parents and friends?

YOU: All good

ME: ok

ME: I am running my own clinic now in my hometown and join a private hospital

YOU: very good, All the best

ME: You are not interested to talk with me at all, am i right?

YOU: Not really may be, I am busy right now with my friends ,so can’t talk right now.

ME: Ok ,you don’t have to reply . There is something i want to tell you,you just read it ,i am texting you and if you don’t feel like you don’t want to reply then you don’t.

YOU: I don’t have time for shit ,please!

ME: How do you know i am going to tell you something shitty.

YOU: Because that is the thing you can really do.

ME: Ok ,i know ,this kind off behavior from you for me is very normal and i am not here to explain you anything, i just needed to do this for myself and i already told you if you want then only you can reply.

YOU: You know something you are the only person i don’t wanted to see ever and my daily routine is to curse you every morning and do you have human blood in your body ,i mean how shameless you are ? you texted me after what you have done to me?

ME: yes you are right ,i was terrible with your feelings ,with you and and myself also and that time you insulted me also and i din’t tell a word because i knew i did a terrible mistake and three people suffered for my one silly mistake ,the truth is i am still confused you know. what were you for me that time.A friend with whom i can share everything but i crossed my limit or the person i fell in love with or the person whom i enjoyed  sex or i just use you to entertain my doomed feeling for my love .

YOU: So you text me clear out what was the actual relationship between us? And after all this day you realize i may be a object of your entertainment.

ME: No , the reason is when we broke up i told you that i wanted to clear my mind so i don’t need both of you in my life,you remember? and after some days you heard i am still with him and i uploaded a picture of both of us in face book and you called  me for  some your practical work but ended up your call saying me a person worse than a prostitute because you thought i lied to you about that i wanted to both of you to out from my life ,because i wanted to be free that time. you remember?

YOU: Yes i remember your every lie and false drama. so you wanted to insult me back now or you wanted to clear that wasn’t a lie?

ME: First of all i felt very insulted that time but now i didn’t feel anything because every guy called a girl prostitute when she had sex with him willingly then broke up with him and in this case i did worse than that,i told you ‘i love you’ when i wasn’t sure then this pregnancy thing happen and i got scared and i thought there might be no way unless i have to marry you and when you ask me i will get married with you or not then i told you yes ,without thinking anything, when we lived in someday i make you feel like i am in love with you but believe me( this word doesn’t suit me i know),it wasn’t all drama ,something i really feel for you that time .

YOU: Are you serious ,are we really going to do this conversation right now?

ME: Listen to me please.

ME: I was really doomed with everything that time,i overthink everything ,i was in a middle of pressure between my family and my boyfriend and there was something that wasn’t shorted out yet between us with this long five year relationship ,i stressed out that if i leave my family for him what if i regret later and of course you know a lot about our fight i told you everything ,i told you every bad part of it but i never told you the good part,i shorted all of it in my way ,whatever obviously you don’t give a fuck about that i know .what i am trying to say that time i feel like miserable and then you came ,we talk ,we get close again and i was feeling wonderful and then suddenly you proposed me and i got scared that may be i have to stay away from you and so i didn’t let you go and i told you i can handle your emotion and from that point i screwed up everything.

YOU: Yes i understand what are you saying and still i think you used me to make yourself happy ,you always think about yourself you are a selfish impulsive immature person. I am sorry you failed to change my mind.

ME: I am not trying to change your mind i am just wanted to tell you that whatever happen everything wasn’t my fault ,yes a lot is my fault but something happen because of the situation and i am really really sorry for that.

YOU: Go fuck yourself and fuck your that boyfriend  ,i don’t need your sorry.

ME: Don’t bring my boyfriend between us ,he is the reason i am still here. Stay him out of this please.

YOU: How shameless spineless your boyfriend are ? after knowing that you slept with someone else and told another one that you love him ,how could he accept you and still in a relationship with you and planning to get married with you? I wonder!

ME: yes ,i know ,it’s a wonder for me also and the answer is he really know me how i am more than anyone ,even more than myself i think or may be he love me so much ,i don’t know the actual reason but i think somehow he realize in what circumstance i did all this and i wasn’t in my mind when i did all this.

YOU: This is a good explanation that you were not in your mind when you did all this. So you decided to spend your life with a person whom you don’t love and tell me one thing that are you planning to slept with someone else when you will again going to feel doomed about your relation because if you don’t love that man you are going to do the same i bet and then text me because you remember that i cursed you that something very bad will happen with you i wish and you replied that you will text me then when something really bad will happen with you to let me know that my curse is working ( that was very silly though) and if you will screwed with someone else then you were not happy with him and still you will be a selfish pathetic bitch and i will be happy here that condition of your’s.

ME: I am very much sure about two things  that  i might behave like a pathetic frustrated lost women but i did love him ,i love him now and i will always so don’t ever decided to tell anything like that i am not in love with him and the other thing is you did’t love me at all because it’s been a one year almost and you still want that i would end my life being a pathetic bitch? At the first place you told me i am worse than a prostitute and i thought you telling me all this to feel good for yourself ,to understand  that you were fell for a useless women and it will help you to cool your mind but whatever let’s not talk about that.

YOU: Yes there is nothing to talk about between us and i will never forgive you ever and there is nothing to understand. and please don’t tell me that i did’t love you ,i loved you from my everything ,my mother ,my friends everyone told me that you are not a very good kind of girl who fuck another else when she already had a boyfriend. But i didn’t listen to them because i trusted you completely and you broke my trust and doing this you humiliate me in front of them ,when you got pregnant i even ready to accept our child but you decided to get abort and i as with you to the end in decision.what else do you want from a guy? are you a complete psycho?

ME: I want some respect which you are lack of very much and not hat type of respect that gone after she left you.

YOU: well you have to earn your respect and after what you did  you did’t earn anything.see,i am different than your boyfriend .May be he is a noble or god i don’t know but please don’t come to explain me anything .I may be never wanted to forgive you.

ME: I don’t want your forgiveness .That time it was like i lied to him a lot to be with you ,i slept with you i cheated him, i did lots of promises to him but i didn’t care to kept anything and if i really wasn’t happy i should leave just him i shouldn’t cheat him . Well i tried that but he didn’t let me,he kept nagging ,stalking me continuously to make me understand ,to make me feel our love but i rejected him every time ,that time it was irritating and on the other side that was you who care for me ,your concern for me make me feel beautiful and alive about my life again and after you propose me ,i didn’t stay you away and told that i love you too, not to lose that feeling.

ME: Let me finish then type,please.

ME: May be if that time he didn’t kept nagging me and leave me like i wished then i could realize my feeling for him but his constant agonizing behavior make me feel for you more and i thought that i am in love with you too and then that accident happen ,i got pregnant ,your marriage proposal and i kept promising you that i will marry you and i will love you. you know how awful feeling it is for a unmarried girl in our society to be pregnant? it’s not like we see in movies that i am overwhelmed by my motherhood ,i simply got scared of abortion and i thought that marrying you is the only choice for me so i say yes. After we decided to get abort ,before the night of the abortion when i had that medicine the doctor gave me and i had a dangerous pain and contraction in my stomach i can only think of him , i can only think that being with him only make feel better from this extreme physical pain,i know if i would called you would come by sure that time but you just didn’t came in my mind because i never loved you it was the bad adrenaline in a bad timing with a bad situation. you have zero fault , you were just a victim of my immature pathetic behavior but just think if we both get married with that baby what our life would be now with no earnings and nothing. i don’t see a very good picture. And you were talking about spine ? it take a lots of spine and gut to be  with someone you love when she is in lots pain after knowing that how terribly she cheated on him .There was always he and me and there will be always.

ME: This is i wanted to tell you ,i don’t want your forgiveness or your hatred or your curse anything i just wanted to tell you that whatever i did to you that was ridiculously painful or shameful i don’t know but i didn’t do everything intentionally,not everything was a lie,not everything was a drama ,that time this feels right to me i should have behave more maturely, situation is also against me and i let it go through my self ,i should have control it. So call me worse than prostitute or a pathetic bitch this is the truth and i don’t want to be sorry actually because i know you and i weren’t going to end up in a very good relationship ,i know at least from my side .Either one of you going to hate me i knew it and i choose your hatred and his love so you have every right to hate me .

YOU: I don’t know what to say but i did loved you  and after you gone from my life so much thing happen ,you changed my mind my life a lot and of course what you did that was terrible and wanted to understand everything because all this days i kept explaining myself that you were a bad women and it helps me to forget you so i wanted to continue that and the last thing i wanted to say that this is very important to keep yourself happy but sometime you also have to keep happy the persons you love for your own happiness,try to do that you will be happy always then.

ME: I will but every thought and concept always change depends on situation,fact but yes you are right we should keep some principle to live our life and try not to cross that so easily.

YOU: Have a good life,Bye

ME: Take care ,Bye.

Life is what you choose to response

It’s like someone set my life in a negative mode . I was absent for few days in my blog ,wait to happen something new so that i can share that in my blog,so i stop writing for few days because i was tired of writing my same old sad life story .Then one day i decided to write something else like short story or some article about society but couldn’t think about something else. I tried to busy myself in dieting ,exercise, painting to distract myself but how someone ran from the fact of her life. Today i am feeling so much lost and so much defeated ,so much fucked up from life again. Yes,again because i wrote about all this before and between these days i tried to fixing up my mind but seems like i failed. Like i told as if someone set my life in a  negative mode and it’s determined not to happen something that i can appreciate.

I wonder sometime how difficult and complicated human minds are? When our parents compare us with someone like,’see,she study more than you ‘ or ‘ His son going to abroad and getting salary in seven figure ‘ or ‘Her daughter getting married as her parent’s choice’. That time we react to them like they did a heinous crime to us comparing ourselves with other person and we always answered them like,’I am like myself ,don’t compare me with others’. But when the same incident happen with us like someone is more successful than us or whatever you expected to happen with you for a long time but started happen with your friends or you think you also deserve to happen the same thing with you but you are neglected by your luck ,that time we always compare ourselves with others ,we compare our bad situation with other’s good situation to make it worse but sometime we forgot there is always someone in this world who is in more miserable situation than you are may be you don’t know him\her in person but there is always someone. Recently i read something in a book “A Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”by Robin Sharma ,that Whatever happen with your life ,sometime there is no control over that but whatever the incident how you choose to react ,that thing is always in your control and that create your life. I never read something so real,so beautiful and so positive concept and i did the exact thing ,choose to react positive in every step of my life where i feel doomed. Sometime i figure out a solution, sometime i keep my patience and wait for the write time,sometime i compromise,sometime i let go,sometime i did bad things to find a way out but then i realize ,correct myself and learn a lesson but i never give up ,life wasn’t very smooth for me from the beginning .May be it’s been a long time i am hoping for something blissful to happen with me and calculating each miserable moment as a end of my critical life and every time i end up with a worse situation but i am still standing and i will because i choose to react positive,you never know may be these time also whatever i am thinking as my end of misery and i reach my goal after a certain time and again realize that this is not the ending . This is how life is ,unpredictable,we hoping for something but we end up with something else. Everything is a illusion. some facts are may be very much desirable today but tomorrow it will became useless or less important. Everyone must try and try harder until they reach at the goal but within a limit so that our desire don’t turn into a obsession because at a certain limit you must understand that you are not capable of that and obsession is a thing which can ruin everything in your life and you will realize the fact after reaching at your destination ,everyone should know where to stop because not everything in your hand ,so what it’s your life something decided by your destiny also .As i personally think that the facts in everyone’s life is not always decided by their own, something is decided by their destiny ,by time(But disbelieve in astrologers and stones) .But the thing is i read in ‘The Alchemist’ by paulo coelho that whatever you want from the core of your heart and tried to get by your willpower, universe always conspire to bring that to you .

May be today i am feeling tormented,like a loser,brokenhearted but i know tomorrow i will be cheerful again ,i have to ,to continue my journey towards my dream. God always analyze your virtue with your life and if my virtue is my patience,self control,my strength then i will be passed successfully one day and if my destiny decides something else for me i will be again tormented and brokenhearted ,i will feel like a loser but i won’t give up and i will decided to let go everything for my own happiness. After all our happiness is matter whatever happen with us .