UNEXPLAINED

THERE IS SOMETHING I CANT EXPRESS,SOMETHING I WANTED TO BUT I CANT AND SOMETIME I CAN BUT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO SO.  A GOOD FOOD,GOOD MOVIE ,GOOD NOVEL ,DISCUSSING WITH FRIENDS FAMILY SOMETIME HELP BUT NOT EVERY TIME.WORDS HAVE POWER AND I DISCOVER IT WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN ,WHEN I STARTED TO  WROTE MY DIARY.EXPRESSING MYSELF TO MY OWN, THOUGH  WRITTHING IS THE BEST HELP I CAN EVER GET  WHEN I NEEDED TO EXPRESS MYSELF,NEEDED TO GO ROOFTOP OF MY HOUSE AND, SHOUTE LOUDLY(ALTHOUGH ITS POSSIBLE ONLY IN MOVIES),CRYING ALONE IN MY BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

A Red Scurf ( A story by me)

This mild cold breeze all over her face ,this rustling sound of fallen leaves,that sound of the bell from the school ,this match box like houses viewing from the top and this tall trees in deep woods partly covered with fog,’I remembered everything Aniruddh’ ,Ananya take a deep breath and murmured . Standing beside the window ,looking outside, Ananya was trying to co relate this nature with her memory . It’s been two days she came to manali with her husband to spend some time together ,as bikash always been very busy with his corporate life.

“This can’t all be a co incidence ,why i said yes when bikash told me about our manali trip,i could deny also and i know bikash won’t mind,is it my subconscious mind  ,which still want to see that face ?”-Ananya don’t want to give much importance to her thought as it is disturbing for her,so telling that a overthinking to herself she lit a cigarette and after finishing it ,she went to the bedroom and give a good morning kiss to her husband and wake him up.

“Are you all right? your face didn’t seem like so,and why i am having a gut feeling that you were more happy in shimla than here,should we go back to the hotel?are you not feeling well”-Bikash asked.

This is the problem of Bikash,he is handsome ,he has enough money ,good career and more important he is a loving and caring husband,But he will  never give you a space to think because he thinks all of Ananya ‘s upset face for his behavior ,her irritating mood for his some stupid action ,as if there can’t be a another person or matter which could also make ananya unhappy and until ananya gave him some explanation he will annoyed her asking again and again ,so many times ananya told him to leave her alone for sometime then it will be all right but may be bikash couldn’t stand this concept that instead of being with him why ananya want to be alone to settling her mind .  Most of the time ananya ignore this, thinking that it’s a way of him to show his love to her and it’s true but sometime it’s feel like really nagging . There are thousands of memory in her mind. Memory of persons,incidents before bikash came in her life  which sometime make her happy and sometime make her down and she just don’t want to share some of them with him .

“I have to go for toilet ,you wait here ,i will be right back “-replied ananya

“But we are surrounded by woods i think ,where you can’t find a toilet ,lets get back to the hotel then”

“you wait here ,i will be right back ,don’t worry”.

Ananya recognize this place very well .This mountain trenches and this deep woods ,they changes her life a year  ago .This place is a beauty with a curse for her but she just can’t control to see the milestone -“It’s silly,very much silly ,why there would be a red scurf and if there will be that don’t even make any sense ,anyone could bind a red scurf around a milestone “-she thought and decided to go back. “you know the meaning of Aniruddh? Boundless ,and i want to be boundless like this river below this mountain”-ananya close her eyes and tried to memorize that bright,glowing sparkling eyes ,telling that words to her. “no i have to see that place just for once for my own piece of mind “-and she started walking fast without thinking much ,it’s almost 5 p.m and in this woods and mountains this time means almost evening.With that twilight almost encrypted to a darkness and that foggy circumstance ananya notice that milestone approximately 12 feet distance from her, with a red scurf around it .

After having dinner ,Ananya doesn’t feel like going to bed .Still she can feel that cold stream of blood flowed through her body when she saw that milestone.so many thoughts in her mind together , “isn’t it possible that some other one could also bind that ribbon,but why the hell in the middle of the woods someone would bind a ribbon around only one milestone and particular around that milestone.”After seeing this she couldn’t stop her to go back to the flashbacks .

Last excursion from college ,they were all very excited .Food ,fun ,gossip ,beautiful nature ,amazing weather and that bright ,glowing ,sparkling eyes. Aniruddh wasn’t from their college ,he was from other college .He came with joy, as his friend .But like others he wasn’t doing drinking, gossiping ,playing or anything .Whenever ananya saw at him ,he was busy clicking photographs of landscapes. somehow trisha noticed that ananya was watching him  and then everyone started to pulling her legs saying that this is her last chance of freedom,after going back she has to be wife of a corporate guy so go and spend some time with her last crush. Actually not for this leg pulling or her last chance of freedom ,ananya got attracted to him for his atypical nature from others. she thought asking about his camera would be a good starting of a conversation and she did the same . “This is my second eye ,whatever i saw through my own eyes in nature ,i captured them in my second eye” reply aniruddh and laughed on his joke for sometime and suddenly he whispered in ananya’s ear -“If you want to see the real woods ,forget about tour guide and come with me “.Next day morning when everyone was sleeping ,they sneaked from hotel and went to the forest .That silent forest only with bird’s chattering and a musical sound of vipasa river ,that deep black and green colour of tall trees interrupted by deep fog somewhere -the whole  environment was very ominous to ananya as well as exciting .They sat beside the river and was tried to watching the sunrise between mountains as because the weather was cloudy, Aniruddh said “you know the meaning of aniruddh?boundless’ and i want to be boundless like this river below the mountain”.After sometime they both started walking back to the hotel and then suddenly started raining . Ananya ran for a shelter and so did aniruddh ,he tried to protect his fifty thousand DSLR more than him. May be it’s because of fog or in hurry they don’t even notice that trench and aniruddh slipped with his camera,ananya tried to hold him but aniruddh couldn’t hold her hand and he fall deep down somewhere with ananya’s red scurf. Ananya took sometime to understand what actually happened just now,she was in shock ,then she shouted aniruddh’s name several time .After sometime he got reply,”I am down here ,stuck ,ananya ,you go and inform in hotel.”

“All right , i am coming ,you just hold on,don’t move much and shout for help,in the meantime if anyone come and rescue you ,you don’t forget to bind that scurf around the milestone and tell that person to bring you to the hospital,don’t forget to bind the scurf ,otherwise if i don’t see you after coming back i will be panicked ” and giving all this direction ,ananya ran like hell to the hotel ,but it’s not a road like kolkata and obviously ananya wasn’t habituated with this steep rocky mountain road and the time was around 5.30 A.M .People didn’t wake this much early in mountain villages because of cold. It took 30 min for her to reach the hotel and when she came back with help and shouted for aniruddh,she didn’t got any reply. Every one was shouting for aniruddh but there was no sign of him .Police came and searched for him and they only found his camera ,there was no sign of him or any red scurf.police said that the soil is very much  brittle and became slippery because of rain and there was a ninety percent chance  of him slipped in the river and  even if he know how to swim it’s impossible for him to survive in this river with full of rocks.After coming back to kolkata ananya need few times to came out from that incident . Aniruddh’s friend,joy with whom he came to their trip ananya called him to know about aniruddh ,if he survived or came back anyhow but joy said he didn’t even knew aniruddh. When they were in the station waiting for train and prepared to leave ,aniruddh came and asked him to help and told him that if he could include him in their college trip introducing him as a friend of joy then his travel cost will be decresed, and in return he will take splendid pictures of joy by his camera and will post on a photographer ‘s group in social media so joy say yes and joy was trying for audition in Mr India ,so it will be a publicity for him . Ananya was very much surprised why a guy with fifty thousand DSLR want to cut his travelling cost and when did joy became so much serious about his modelling career. After one year ananya got married with bikash but still couldn’t forget the incident and curiosity to see that place again .What if he survived somehow and came to that place one day with ananya’s red scurf and bind the scurf around the milestone expecting that one day ananya will come to this place and seeing the scurf she will feel relived and she will be able to help herself to come out from the incident .

sometime Ananya think actually anyhow she wanted to came out from that memory and because of this she always overthink about aniruddh. There wasn’t nothing much bond between her and aniruddh ,they didn’t even exchange numbers, no girls exchange their numbers with a guy whom she knew only for several hour. If he survived somehow he will not come again that place ever just to bind the scurf expecting that one day ananya will come and see.

Lying on the bed ananya notice that the clock is ticking to 12;30 and she need to sleep now .Bikash wanted to go in the woods again as today’s weather was foggy and they couldn’t make the way through the woods to the sunrise point.  Without thinking much ananya decided to sleep. Next day morning when they were leaving ,the boy who was serving them tea said that they must watch the new temple one kilometer from the sunrise point ,the Matarani temple is beautiful itself and view from the temple is beyond the heaven . When bikash and ananya was walking through the forest ,ananya can feel a slight palpitation but when she saw the milestone she feel relived that yesterday because of the low light and fog and from the twelve feet distance  she didn’t recognize that the red scurf wasn’t a red scurf it was red dupatta of matarani pointing to the new temple which is two kilometer from the milestone and sunrise point is one kilometer.  May be as because the temple is new people bind Matarani dupatta in every kilometer around milestones to guide people to the temple. After watching sunrise and views from the temple they get back to the hotel but ananya was still confused .what should she feel ,she should feel disappointed as that wasn’t the red scurf but matarani dupatta or she should feel relived for the same? A part of her is not ready to believe that a boy who wanted to be boundless was gone in such a young age and the other part of her wanted to free from the memory of manali.

 

What should i do with this incompleteness?

Is there a meaning of every dream we dreamed about? I searched in google and they say that dream is a letter from your unconscious mind. That means it represent what is going on in our unconscious mind.I have seen so many dreams in my life obviously and hardly i remembered them except one ,i can skip about that dream because it’s been so long so i don’t think that’s really matter now but today’s dream was very agitating.

I saw that i am in a room with full of my family members but i was feeling like a outsider and they were looking and talking with me in a very formal way,and suddenly a young girl,she started insulting me ,i was crying and telling everyone to defend me but everyone was just staring at me ,then i went to my ‘Didun’ ,my grandmother and asked her to defend me but she kept quite and i was very hurt and then i got off from the house.

May be it’s for troubled relationship in my life .When my grandmother kept quite ,i was hurt and i know the reason because she is the only person who never seen any fault in me.It’s been so long i met her.When i was in school i went to her house almost every month and cried a lot when i have to get back home .There was a sweet ,very much affectionate relationship between us .But the strange thing is after growing up i almost forgot her and never miss that swinging around her hand on my body and calling my name again and again.People became really selfish when they grow up . Today i am missing her during writing all this ,life was so simple then and what a pure relationship that was,no complex , no expectation ,only love  and after all this i never even called her to know how she is .

That young girl and my family members and that insult and then that deny of everyone to defend me ,is that all about me who want to justify herself to everyone ? Sometime i think i am lucky enough that i got a loving parent and a caring boyfriend but sometime there was a incompleteness in me ,it’s like my beloved ones couldn’t fill that gap between me .I never had a good sit and talk relationship with my parents but i think me and my boyfriend we talked enough over phone and when we meet but whenever i tried to express something about my emotion everything became a mess and we end up with a fight .may be he is more practical than me. we have been together like almost eight years and how is it possible in this eight year ,when we had a numerous conversation between us and still i think i couldn’t express myself to him?I noticed one thing in me that i always tried to find someone who would listen to me ,with whom i could share some of my thoughts.But with a guy when you are sharing your personal hidden thoughts of course he will except something from you so every attempt of mine end up in a disaster and i agree that was a bad ,very bad way to express yourself ,you can’t just go around and find someone and started sharing your thoughts ,especially when you are in a relationship and obviously sharing personal things will drag you in a different kind of relationship so its a kind of cheating and yes i cheated on my boyfriend several times but later i apologize to him and made a promise to myself that i won’t do that ever again. But that day suddenly i thought that it would be fun to talk with all that guy again if i create a fake profile and talk with them and i started to do so and its been two weeks and i realize a thing that again i am trying to talk or communicate with someone with whom i can share my thoughts and telling them my story. Hiding behind a fake identity i want to justify myself to them that i wasn’t a back stabber . That was too much silly and not about fun at all.And the moment i realize this i started to feel guilty and i tried to talk with my boyfriend but as usual we end up in a fight and then this dream .

Actually i can’t blame him for yesterday’s fight because if a girlfriend want to tell her boyfriend about her past relationships when she was with him and tried to justify herself and telling him that she think she that wasn’t completely her fault ,people around her didn’t understand her so she did that ,obviously it will sound so bullshit to him ,and  obviously what i did that was a bullshit but actually i don’t know why i always tried to justify myself  everytime?

I always think that i am strong enough because i have been through a lot but actually i am weak ,very much weak  and couldn’t even stand a little dissatisfaction in my life and this is the only reason i thought i am a victim of incidents and i have been through a lot . Paulo coelho ,in a novel of him he mentioned that ,’we are all nice people here,but it is not everybody understand this ,so when you are hurt please don’t complain,you are not a victim.’ I did wrong things in my life just to complete my incompleteness,my dissatisfaction forgetting everything who i am,what i am doing ,what will be my image to myself and if at the moment someone pointed out my faults in front of me ,i became desperate to prove myself right and he or she became a bad personality to me because may be i couldn’t stand the guilt also, even for my own mistake.This is not normal ,this is psychic .

Love is not a fairy tale it’s a responsibility  from both side. A responsibility to think about each other that how a word ,a action by your’s would effect  your partner’s life and if there is a negative vibe ,reject the thought proudly to protect him and this is not killing your desire this is adjustment by you to keep him happy and this is exactly what i didn’t do at all .May be there is fault in him and also there is fault in me and may be sometime this dissimilarity could crash to each other but this how love is happy sad.if you can’t even stand one negative thing in him then may be you don’t love him.You may be like him ,respect him,adored him but don’t love him.

I know i can’t be always like this ,seeking for satisfy my own dissatisfaction ,i don’t know how important it is for my own but clearly it’s making me weak ,troubling my piece of mind and a weak person can’t handle any relationship in her life and this is exactly what happened with me from the beginning .This is only in my hand that i will control my mind or i will control by my mind. Either i have to decide what is more important for me my desire or my present life ,or i should bury all this disturbing thoughts and let go and both is  not easy and i am sure i am not ready at all to let go my present life whatever the thing is ,i am abnormal or psychic ,may be  sometime or never he understand me but i just don’t want to loose him so i should bury all this dissatisfaction and this, i am the victim and i was not wrong all the time attitude because it will not work ,there is no place for a weak person in this world ,either you have to be strong or pretend to be strong by settling your mind all the time .

A Part Of Me

Like everybody i also have a family ,mother father sister and a loving and caring boyfriend,this four person is my world ,other than this whatever happen with anyone i rarely even care. But i also have a different me inside myself,like a different personality ,everybody has, someone can express that ,someone’s is not really acceptable so they hide ,someone’s is like they do not think much whatever they got from life they just accept and mine is like trapped .

I think we should allow to flow our every emotion through our mind but only positive flow not the negative ones but did really a person know what is actually right and what is actually wrong ,is it so easy to decide for someone that whatever he or she did its wrong . No i am not talking about murder ,rape ,smuggling,terrorism ,whatever the reason i never can forgive a rapist or a terrorist i am talking about normal human life .

Actually in this twenty six year i learn one thing ,a incident which is right or wrong its depends mostly on the situation and an outsider could’t even  imagine that so may be i should stop justifying myself because no one going to understand anything .From the childhood to adulthood whatever i did my parents were not happy .When i was eighteen that was like they are doing some torture on me , i thought may be they don’t love me but now when i am twenty six i can understand they are right from their perspective  and i am from mine so better not to let this things in my mind so i did a compromise with myself  and determine that one day i will justify myself to them ,now it would be better to stop and just listen .

And I think it’s been ten years or may be more i am still trying to justifying myself. Actually how can you justify yourself when you had a boyfriend when you are seventeen,you lose your virginity when you are eighteen,tried to runway from home not with boyfriend but alone ,when your parents saw you doing masturbating at the age of twelve and changing boyfriends and then when they found you have an affair with a muslim guy at the age of nineteen,they found i am pregnant when i am unmarried and twenty five years old not for the guy who is my boyfriend but for the other guy. tough for a parents when their daughter belong to a conservative hindu family.

But that was their perspectives,mine was very normal for me .I think self sex during age of twelve when a girl’s sexual interpretation is blooming is very natural, having a boyfriend at the age of seventeen and having sex i think is not that much crime that you have to called your daughter a prostitute, and this is the exact reason i tried to ran away from house because i thought what i did may be a dangerous crime that’s why they called me prostitute and i couldn’t stand that language, and then when i came to college i first met him ,fall for him,found a completeness in my incomplete life and tried to fulfill everything through him ,became crazily insecure and one day suddenly i forgot everything ,i forgot that this is how love is happy sad and forgetting the happy part i started doing most stupid things and that accident happen. I forget myself who i am and what is the principle of my life ,i just allow it to flow and believe me if there was fifty percent my fault then other fifty percent was the situation ,that’s another story and i just couldn’t control it .Now tell me how it is possible to explain to my parents.

But whatever it was i compromise somehow with that  ,because they are parents ,human being not some god and mistake happen sometime ,may be they also didn’t control that time and said the wrong word and now when i am adult it should’t be a matter but what can i do they are parents and sometime it’s matter what they think about you.I tried so many times to clear out my issues with them,tried to justify myself but no luck yet.sometime it’s hurt a lot and now is the time when i have to disappoint them again by marrying a muslim guy . What can i do ,break up with someone who may be understand me most in this world just because he is a muslim ? No that’s not possible for me ever but its a huge thing for my parents because of the society of course to marry a  muslim guy ,still i tried to tell them,explain them but it’s always worsen the situation. Now i am tired by justifying myself again and again .I am a different kind of shit ,i like to smoke ,love to drink,prefer to fall in love ,doing crazy things and what  my parents want for their daughter is a good career and marry a guy of their own choice ,make love with him,create babies and make a happy family .so may be the thing is however i tried to change my destiny but i am fated to be end up like this with them so i should stop trying .

A Dead River

Is it ever happen with someone that you can sense someone is watching you or can directly talk with the person who decide everything in our life? No , i am not sharing  some horror experience or doing any spiritual talk. Its exactly the way i said like someone is observing  my life and sit somewhere else to make plan to ruin it whenever something good going to happen . Sometime i wonder nothing change at all in my life from the beginning,its like i am stuck like a dead river ,trying to flow with the path of life ,so many storm passes ,so many changes happen but i am still at the same position. And now it is easy to  predict everything what will happen next to my life because there is nothing new to happen,its always like it was.

When i was in school i was thinking that formula of physics and chemistry was the toughest one and apply that on examination hall is the hardest thing but now as a grown up i think formula of life is the most confusing one and  then you need to apply them on your mind( human mind) which is the most complex one. A mediocre students always face problem in their result because parents always has a expectation from them because they are not totally dumb in their study and also sometime dishearten because they couldn’t fulfill their expectation as they are not excellent like first bencher and my life is exactly like that ,mediocre. There is love ,affection ,excitement ,respect but also there is no love ,affection,excitement ,respect. The irony is when there is no these things you are habituated with that but when there is a bit of these things you expect a huge and then when it crush you can hear the sound by the heart not by the ear. From the time my mother cried in front of my grandmother because of me born as a baby girl not a baby boy (very common in India,urge for baby boy not a girl)  and called me blind ( i am not blind but i have minus power in my eyes ) to now at present time in the worst situation in life with no sign of career and being a girl friend of a mushlim  guy( its like a sin in our society),my situation was fucking same .You can change your destiny but not your fate and its like i tried to change the path of the flow in the way but i am fated to be stuck and remain like a dead river.

A Conversation wish i could have

ME:   Hey,How are you?

YOU: I am fine

ME: how is your duty going in hospital?

YOU: Fine

ME: How is you parents and friends?

YOU: All good

ME: ok

ME: I am running my own clinic now in my hometown and join a private hospital

YOU: very good, All the best

ME: You are not interested to talk with me at all, am i right?

YOU: Not really may be, I am busy right now with my friends ,so can’t talk right now.

ME: Ok ,you don’t have to reply . There is something i want to tell you,you just read it ,i am texting you and if you don’t feel like you don’t want to reply then you don’t.

YOU: I don’t have time for shit ,please!

ME: How do you know i am going to tell you something shitty.

YOU: Because that is the thing you can really do.

ME: Ok ,i know ,this kind off behavior from you for me is very normal and i am not here to explain you anything, i just needed to do this for myself and i already told you if you want then only you can reply.

YOU: You know something you are the only person i don’t wanted to see ever and my daily routine is to curse you every morning and do you have human blood in your body ,i mean how shameless you are ? you texted me after what you have done to me?

ME: yes you are right ,i was terrible with your feelings ,with you and and myself also and that time you insulted me also and i din’t tell a word because i knew i did a terrible mistake and three people suffered for my one silly mistake ,the truth is i am still confused you know. what were you for me that time.A friend with whom i can share everything but i crossed my limit or the person i fell in love with or the person whom i enjoyed  sex or i just use you to entertain my doomed feeling for my love .

YOU: So you text me clear out what was the actual relationship between us? And after all this day you realize i may be a object of your entertainment.

ME: No , the reason is when we broke up i told you that i wanted to clear my mind so i don’t need both of you in my life,you remember? and after some days you heard i am still with him and i uploaded a picture of both of us in face book and you called  me for  some your practical work but ended up your call saying me a person worse than a prostitute because you thought i lied to you about that i wanted to both of you to out from my life ,because i wanted to be free that time. you remember?

YOU: Yes i remember your every lie and false drama. so you wanted to insult me back now or you wanted to clear that wasn’t a lie?

ME: First of all i felt very insulted that time but now i didn’t feel anything because every guy called a girl prostitute when she had sex with him willingly then broke up with him and in this case i did worse than that,i told you ‘i love you’ when i wasn’t sure then this pregnancy thing happen and i got scared and i thought there might be no way unless i have to marry you and when you ask me i will get married with you or not then i told you yes ,without thinking anything, when we lived in someday i make you feel like i am in love with you but believe me( this word doesn’t suit me i know),it wasn’t all drama ,something i really feel for you that time .

YOU: Are you serious ,are we really going to do this conversation right now?

ME: Listen to me please.

ME: I was really doomed with everything that time,i overthink everything ,i was in a middle of pressure between my family and my boyfriend and there was something that wasn’t shorted out yet between us with this long five year relationship ,i stressed out that if i leave my family for him what if i regret later and of course you know a lot about our fight i told you everything ,i told you every bad part of it but i never told you the good part,i shorted all of it in my way ,whatever obviously you don’t give a fuck about that i know .what i am trying to say that time i feel like miserable and then you came ,we talk ,we get close again and i was feeling wonderful and then suddenly you proposed me and i got scared that may be i have to stay away from you and so i didn’t let you go and i told you i can handle your emotion and from that point i screwed up everything.

YOU: Yes i understand what are you saying and still i think you used me to make yourself happy ,you always think about yourself you are a selfish impulsive immature person. I am sorry you failed to change my mind.

ME: I am not trying to change your mind i am just wanted to tell you that whatever happen everything wasn’t my fault ,yes a lot is my fault but something happen because of the situation and i am really really sorry for that.

YOU: Go fuck yourself and fuck your that boyfriend  ,i don’t need your sorry.

ME: Don’t bring my boyfriend between us ,he is the reason i am still here. Stay him out of this please.

YOU: How shameless spineless your boyfriend are ? after knowing that you slept with someone else and told another one that you love him ,how could he accept you and still in a relationship with you and planning to get married with you? I wonder!

ME: yes ,i know ,it’s a wonder for me also and the answer is he really know me how i am more than anyone ,even more than myself i think or may be he love me so much ,i don’t know the actual reason but i think somehow he realize in what circumstance i did all this and i wasn’t in my mind when i did all this.

YOU: This is a good explanation that you were not in your mind when you did all this. So you decided to spend your life with a person whom you don’t love and tell me one thing that are you planning to slept with someone else when you will again going to feel doomed about your relation because if you don’t love that man you are going to do the same i bet and then text me because you remember that i cursed you that something very bad will happen with you i wish and you replied that you will text me then when something really bad will happen with you to let me know that my curse is working ( that was very silly though) and if you will screwed with someone else then you were not happy with him and still you will be a selfish pathetic bitch and i will be happy here that condition of your’s.

ME: I am very much sure about two things  that  i might behave like a pathetic frustrated lost women but i did love him ,i love him now and i will always so don’t ever decided to tell anything like that i am not in love with him and the other thing is you did’t love me at all because it’s been a one year almost and you still want that i would end my life being a pathetic bitch? At the first place you told me i am worse than a prostitute and i thought you telling me all this to feel good for yourself ,to understand  that you were fell for a useless women and it will help you to cool your mind but whatever let’s not talk about that.

YOU: Yes there is nothing to talk about between us and i will never forgive you ever and there is nothing to understand. and please don’t tell me that i did’t love you ,i loved you from my everything ,my mother ,my friends everyone told me that you are not a very good kind of girl who fuck another else when she already had a boyfriend. But i didn’t listen to them because i trusted you completely and you broke my trust and doing this you humiliate me in front of them ,when you got pregnant i even ready to accept our child but you decided to get abort and i as with you to the end in decision.what else do you want from a guy? are you a complete psycho?

ME: I want some respect which you are lack of very much and not hat type of respect that gone after she left you.

YOU: well you have to earn your respect and after what you did  you did’t earn anything.see,i am different than your boyfriend .May be he is a noble or god i don’t know but please don’t come to explain me anything .I may be never wanted to forgive you.

ME: I don’t want your forgiveness .That time it was like i lied to him a lot to be with you ,i slept with you i cheated him, i did lots of promises to him but i didn’t care to kept anything and if i really wasn’t happy i should leave just him i shouldn’t cheat him . Well i tried that but he didn’t let me,he kept nagging ,stalking me continuously to make me understand ,to make me feel our love but i rejected him every time ,that time it was irritating and on the other side that was you who care for me ,your concern for me make me feel beautiful and alive about my life again and after you propose me ,i didn’t stay you away and told that i love you too, not to lose that feeling.

ME: Let me finish then type,please.

ME: May be if that time he didn’t kept nagging me and leave me like i wished then i could realize my feeling for him but his constant agonizing behavior make me feel for you more and i thought that i am in love with you too and then that accident happen ,i got pregnant ,your marriage proposal and i kept promising you that i will marry you and i will love you. you know how awful feeling it is for a unmarried girl in our society to be pregnant? it’s not like we see in movies that i am overwhelmed by my motherhood ,i simply got scared of abortion and i thought that marrying you is the only choice for me so i say yes. After we decided to get abort ,before the night of the abortion when i had that medicine the doctor gave me and i had a dangerous pain and contraction in my stomach i can only think of him , i can only think that being with him only make feel better from this extreme physical pain,i know if i would called you would come by sure that time but you just didn’t came in my mind because i never loved you it was the bad adrenaline in a bad timing with a bad situation. you have zero fault , you were just a victim of my immature pathetic behavior but just think if we both get married with that baby what our life would be now with no earnings and nothing. i don’t see a very good picture. And you were talking about spine ? it take a lots of spine and gut to be  with someone you love when she is in lots pain after knowing that how terribly she cheated on him .There was always he and me and there will be always.

ME: This is i wanted to tell you ,i don’t want your forgiveness or your hatred or your curse anything i just wanted to tell you that whatever i did to you that was ridiculously painful or shameful i don’t know but i didn’t do everything intentionally,not everything was a lie,not everything was a drama ,that time this feels right to me i should have behave more maturely, situation is also against me and i let it go through my self ,i should have control it. So call me worse than prostitute or a pathetic bitch this is the truth and i don’t want to be sorry actually because i know you and i weren’t going to end up in a very good relationship ,i know at least from my side .Either one of you going to hate me i knew it and i choose your hatred and his love so you have every right to hate me .

YOU: I don’t know what to say but i did loved you  and after you gone from my life so much thing happen ,you changed my mind my life a lot and of course what you did that was terrible and wanted to understand everything because all this days i kept explaining myself that you were a bad women and it helps me to forget you so i wanted to continue that and the last thing i wanted to say that this is very important to keep yourself happy but sometime you also have to keep happy the persons you love for your own happiness,try to do that you will be happy always then.

ME: I will but every thought and concept always change depends on situation,fact but yes you are right we should keep some principle to live our life and try not to cross that so easily.

YOU: Have a good life,Bye

ME: Take care ,Bye.

Life is what you choose to response

It’s like someone set my life in a negative mode . I was absent for few days in my blog ,wait to happen something new so that i can share that in my blog,so i stop writing for few days because i was tired of writing my same old sad life story .Then one day i decided to write something else like short story or some article about society but couldn’t think about something else. I tried to busy myself in dieting ,exercise, painting to distract myself but how someone ran from the fact of her life. Today i am feeling so much lost and so much defeated ,so much fucked up from life again. Yes,again because i wrote about all this before and between these days i tried to fixing up my mind but seems like i failed. Like i told as if someone set my life in a  negative mode and it’s determined not to happen something that i can appreciate.

I wonder sometime how difficult and complicated human minds are? When our parents compare us with someone like,’see,she study more than you ‘ or ‘ His son going to abroad and getting salary in seven figure ‘ or ‘Her daughter getting married as her parent’s choice’. That time we react to them like they did a heinous crime to us comparing ourselves with other person and we always answered them like,’I am like myself ,don’t compare me with others’. But when the same incident happen with us like someone is more successful than us or whatever you expected to happen with you for a long time but started happen with your friends or you think you also deserve to happen the same thing with you but you are neglected by your luck ,that time we always compare ourselves with others ,we compare our bad situation with other’s good situation to make it worse but sometime we forgot there is always someone in this world who is in more miserable situation than you are may be you don’t know him\her in person but there is always someone. Recently i read something in a book “A Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”by Robin Sharma ,that Whatever happen with your life ,sometime there is no control over that but whatever the incident how you choose to react ,that thing is always in your control and that create your life. I never read something so real,so beautiful and so positive concept and i did the exact thing ,choose to react positive in every step of my life where i feel doomed. Sometime i figure out a solution, sometime i keep my patience and wait for the write time,sometime i compromise,sometime i let go,sometime i did bad things to find a way out but then i realize ,correct myself and learn a lesson but i never give up ,life wasn’t very smooth for me from the beginning .May be it’s been a long time i am hoping for something blissful to happen with me and calculating each miserable moment as a end of my critical life and every time i end up with a worse situation but i am still standing and i will because i choose to react positive,you never know may be these time also whatever i am thinking as my end of misery and i reach my goal after a certain time and again realize that this is not the ending . This is how life is ,unpredictable,we hoping for something but we end up with something else. Everything is a illusion. some facts are may be very much desirable today but tomorrow it will became useless or less important. Everyone must try and try harder until they reach at the goal but within a limit so that our desire don’t turn into a obsession because at a certain limit you must understand that you are not capable of that and obsession is a thing which can ruin everything in your life and you will realize the fact after reaching at your destination ,everyone should know where to stop because not everything in your hand ,so what it’s your life something decided by your destiny also .As i personally think that the facts in everyone’s life is not always decided by their own, something is decided by their destiny ,by time(But disbelieve in astrologers and stones) .But the thing is i read in ‘The Alchemist’ by paulo coelho that whatever you want from the core of your heart and tried to get by your willpower, universe always conspire to bring that to you .

May be today i am feeling tormented,like a loser,brokenhearted but i know tomorrow i will be cheerful again ,i have to ,to continue my journey towards my dream. God always analyze your virtue with your life and if my virtue is my patience,self control,my strength then i will be passed successfully one day and if my destiny decides something else for me i will be again tormented and brokenhearted ,i will feel like a loser but i won’t give up and i will decided to let go everything for my own happiness. After all our happiness is matter whatever happen with us .

Admit It!

Just admit it ,you never gonna make a intellectual conceptual argument with your parent no matter what, you are gonna shout and make things worse,why with parent only? Admit it ,you never gonna tell or explain your boyfriend about your complain clearly no matter what he is gonna end up with switch off his phone and you ,crying. Admit it, you never gonna represent yourself as a sweet innocent child of your parents no matter what they are gonna end up with thinking you a slut. Admit it if there is something called destiny then it’s not a very good friend of your’s no matter what it’s gonna end up messing  up with you. Admit it ,no matter how angry you get , you never showed up your reaction directly proportional with your anger which i think a good thing because when i get angry you can explain me with a complete sick psychopath.Admit it ,how hard you try to being a bitch and not to hurt by anyone but to knock other’s out ,you always end up with a emotional drama.Admit it how hard you tried to give up somethings for your dear ones which you loving intensely ,you always failed.Admit it how hard you imagine your life to be perfect with a little imperfection which is normal, it’s always end up to be imperfect with a little perfection. Just admit no matter how hard you tried not everything’s gonna be change like how you want not even the bad things.

Dream has a price

Today afternoon i was lying on my bed ,thinking about life and was scrolling down my facebook and giving like on those posts which can express my condition and i found something written by paulo coelho “Loneliness,when accepted,is a gift that will lead us to find a purpose in life.Don’t panic.” , and after reading this i feel quite relived then i thought ‘no, wait, i am not lonely ,i am surrounded by some people who care for me ,love me and at the same time irritate me,make me loosing my mind,prevent me to do the things i like to do. It is better to be lonely and find your purpose for life’. I have to made a long journey for my success but staying like this ,sometime i find it impossible. It’s only been five months ,and people need atleast three to four year to be successful in my profession.I need to do struggle which i can do but there is no platform where i can show my talent and i need to keep patience which became impossible for me day by day as there is nothing which i can do to make me feel happy. I mean,i am suffocating here and people surrounding me ,they don’t even notice? or if they are noticing why they don’t even care to say yes to what make me feel good? is there principle of life is bigger than me? or may be my parents think too much amusement make me out of focus but too much depression can also make lowering someone’s confidence and that is exactly what’s happening with me. My grudge for my parents, society, people , even to my destiny is increasing day by day . I becoming a person with frustration, lack of confidence,over sensitive and holding grudges for everyone.It’s not like i did’t try , i tried everyday to hold myself and i have no complain to do that but doing this living in a shell is making my life miserable.I could’t even sleep thinking about all this. I have no shame to admit this to myself that sometime i envy my friends ,everyone’s position is far better than me and there was a day when i making fun of someone who tried to copy me ,wanted to be like me,jealous of me  and now i am the one who’s in their position.Life always give back to you whatever you do to your life whether it is good or bad and when you can realize this conspiracy it’s became a irony for you which is painful in case of bad things. Truly said by Paulo coelho “Going after a dream has a price .It may mean abandoning our habits,it may make us go through hardships,or it may lead us to disappointment.But however costly it may be,it is never as high as the price paid  by the people who didn’t live.”

Shameless hopes and A fake identity

I always been confused between two fact whether a person create his\her own luck or something in life depend only on luck factor. Today i realized that people has to try to create his\her own destiny but if luck factor is not with you ,yours every effort is worthless.

It’s just so many haphazard thoughts in my mind today.Only i know which fight i am fighting with myself ,with my mind everyday and night.Every morning i made up my mind thinking some positive ,something good but all my effort turn into a broken piece of glass ,no matter how much hard i tried. But i never lose hope and never give up,every moment i tried  to fix my broken and frustrated life ,thinking that may be my day will come next to this but always it’s feel like i was better before than present condition. Every matter has a tensile strength limit  just like every mind has a tolerance point ,If you started to pull the matter beyond it’s limit it will tear apart. Did i became so numb? otherwise where is my tolerance limit ,am i supposed to suffer more than this? How after all this still i can keep faith on me and everyday i prayed ,hoped that everything will be fine? Am i comparing myself with others more than i am focusing on myself ,that’s why the situation became so restless?

I forgot last time when i wrote something good about anything. Actually i discover a quality in me recently,i have a very good digest power. No,not food but every forced unwilling unwanted frustrated disoriented matter of life. Somewhere i can protest initially but never worked out and couldn’t stand against anyone ,i am not a very good debater because my anger frustration always turns into tears and somewhere there is no way to protest, if i had a power to destroy the whole city still it will not work.

I am not a atheist ,i believe in some supreme power who maintain this beautiful punctuality in this whole universe otherwise it’s won’t be possible but that supreme power ‘God ‘,also can control a persons life,create difference between human beings ,between man and women ,suggest some rule of society to impaired free thinking ,that’s where i am a atheist and i also not a feminist there should be a limit for everyone whether you are a lady or a man,just because you are a girl, talking about female right you can’t take every advantage but where society think career of a girl is less important than her husband and family, efficiency of a female is questionable in professional and working place, smoking and drinking is injurious to health for men only and it’s injurious to her character for a lady, short skirt , boy friends, late nights are a character certificate also  ,that’s where i am also a feminist. yes still in Indian culture if you born as e free thinking women it’s obvious you will became a atheist and feminist and with your personal and professional problem you have to fight with that situation also and in this situation there is two option otherwise you digest and stay like other women tried to happy or you go against every useless concept and tried to spend your whole life to prove it and make yourself a person of disrespect in front of society and shame for your parent ,end your life with a failed war. I choose the first option. It’s not like i never tried to establish my thought and live my life like my own way , but when your loved ones didn’t stand by your side everything became very difficult in this world , I can announce war against each and everyone but not against my parents and my family and here i am with a shameless hope which never goes die and a fake identity made up by society in the name of a false god.

What can i do? Instead of writing ,sharing,trying,thinking ,waiting and digesting because today i realize that a person is very small and powerless in front of his/her destiny. Willpower is for extraordinary jewels not for  for a ordinary girl.

GROWING UP IS LIKE A IRONY

May be i am the first person who’s thinking herself unlucky for thinking something sense.I was seventeen when i tried to ran out from my house and want to escape from my all problems of life,that time i did’t know what a world could be for a seventeen year old girl,but now I am twenty six and  it’s feel like same misery ,exact same suffuring but this time i can think more practically, now i know what a outer world could be and it’s feel like a curse. From one side i am bounded emotionally ,on the other side i bound by my principles of life and now it can’t be like 9 years before. That time  i could leave everything and just can go way from life,what do i have to think more practically??? Some time i just could’t control my anger and it’s feel like i want to break everything in the house,shout like a animal,push away everyone who tried to come in front of me and talk with me like nonsense but i never did  because it would be like childish and i am a grown up now and i have to think practically ,live practically and do practically. Sometime i became so frustrated that it’s feel like i want to pick up the phone and texed him that “don’t ever talk to me about your shitty problem you have no idea what i am going through and instead of listening to me,cheering up you just ignore me???never reply me back ,comment on my post aftar i told you to??? Then why you told me that i did’t hold you back aftar your first year,i just yelled on  you,what type of person are you who repeat his mistake on the same person whom he accused for the same mistake.”. Then i thought ‘no ,i can’t do this,what else he could do? this argument probably end up in a fight and nothing will be solved because our fight could’t solve  my life problem right now ,he is in goa it will just spoil his mood’. So i kept silence.

Yes I am a adult now and i have to learn to control my anger and frustration, i could’t act like that ,i could’t think like that. I can’t messed up my own problem with my family and boyfriend,I can’t messed up my relationship with them because of my own frustration, i can’t endanger my parents relationship for my own problem. I have to remain it within me silently ,infact sometime i have to pretend that i am ok with it whatever happening in my life and  keep working silently and wait for the moment when everything going to be fine.There is no way you can let go your anger and frustration by shouting ,breaking things,pushing everyone away.Sometime it’s gonna be tough ,sometime your anger will turn into tears but it will make you stronger day by day and there will be time when you can understand what your life going to be. You get what you want from life or you never can get what you desire for and you have to ok with it.