Admit It!

Just admit it ,you never gonna make a intellectual conceptual argument with your parent no matter what, you are gonna shout and make things worse,why with parent only? Admit it ,you never gonna tell or explain your boyfriend about your complain clearly no matter what he is gonna end up with switch off his phone and you ,crying. Admit it, you never gonna represent yourself as a sweet innocent child of your parents no matter what they are gonna end up with thinking you a slut. Admit it if there is something called destiny then it’s not a very good friend of your’s no matter what it’s gonna end up messing  up with you. Admit it ,no matter how angry you get , you never showed up your reaction directly proportional with your anger which i think a good thing because when i get angry you can explain me with a complete sick psychopath.Admit it ,how hard you try to being a bitch and not to hurt by anyone but to knock other’s out ,you always end up with a emotional drama.Admit it how hard you tried to give up somethings for your dear ones which you loving intensely ,you always failed.Admit it how hard you imagine your life to be perfect with a little imperfection which is normal, it’s always end up to be imperfect with a little perfection. Just admit no matter how hard you tried not everything’s gonna be change like how you want not even the bad things.

Dream has a price

Today afternoon i was lying on my bed ,thinking about life and was scrolling down my facebook and giving like on those posts which can express my condition and i found something written by paulo coelho “Loneliness,when accepted,is a gift that will lead us to find a purpose in life.Don’t panic.” , and after reading this i feel quite relived then i thought ‘no, wait, i am not lonely ,i am surrounded by some people who care for me ,love me and at the same time irritate me,make me loosing my mind,prevent me to do the things i like to do. It is better to be lonely and find your purpose for life’. I have to made a long journey for my success but staying like this ,sometime i find it impossible. It’s only been five months ,and people need atleast three to four year to be successful in my profession.I need to do struggle which i can do but there is no platform where i can show my talent and i need to keep patience which became impossible for me day by day as there is nothing which i can do to make me feel happy. I mean,i am suffocating here and people surrounding me ,they don’t even notice? or if they are noticing why they don’t even care to say yes to what make me feel good? is there principle of life is bigger than me? or may be my parents think too much amusement make me out of focus but too much depression can also make lowering someone’s confidence and that is exactly what’s happening with me. My grudge for my parents, society, people , even to my destiny is increasing day by day . I becoming a person with frustration, lack of confidence,over sensitive and holding grudges for everyone.It’s not like i did’t try , i tried everyday to hold myself and i have no complain to do that but doing this living in a shell is making my life miserable.I could’t even sleep thinking about all this. I have no shame to admit this to myself that sometime i envy my friends ,everyone’s position is far better than me and there was a day when i making fun of someone who tried to copy me ,wanted to be like me,jealous of me  and now i am the one who’s in their position.Life always give back to you whatever you do to your life whether it is good or bad and when you can realize this conspiracy it’s became a irony for you which is painful in case of bad things. Truly said by Paulo coelho “Going after a dream has a price .It may mean abandoning our habits,it may make us go through hardships,or it may lead us to disappointment.But however costly it may be,it is never as high as the price paid  by the people who didn’t live.”

Shameless hopes and A fake identity

I always been confused between two fact whether a person create his\her own luck or something in life depend only on luck factor. Today i realized that people has to try to create his\her own destiny but if luck factor is not with you ,yours every effort is worthless.

It’s just so many haphazard thoughts in my mind today.Only i know which fight i am fighting with myself ,with my mind everyday and night.Every morning i made up my mind thinking some positive ,something good but all my effort turn into a broken piece of glass ,no matter how much hard i tried. But i never lose hope and never give up,every moment i tried  to fix my broken and frustrated life ,thinking that may be my day will come next to this but always it’s feel like i was better before than present condition. Every matter has a tensile strength limit  just like every mind has a tolerance point ,If you started to pull the matter beyond it’s limit it will tear apart. Did i became so numb? otherwise where is my tolerance limit ,am i supposed to suffer more than this? How after all this still i can keep faith on me and everyday i prayed ,hoped that everything will be fine? Am i comparing myself with others more than i am focusing on myself ,that’s why the situation became so restless?

I forgot last time when i wrote something good about anything. Actually i discover a quality in me recently,i have a very good digest power. No,not food but every forced unwilling unwanted frustrated disoriented matter of life. Somewhere i can protest initially but never worked out and couldn’t stand against anyone ,i am not a very good debater because my anger frustration always turns into tears and somewhere there is no way to protest, if i had a power to destroy the whole city still it will not work.

I am not a atheist ,i believe in some supreme power who maintain this beautiful punctuality in this whole universe otherwise it’s won’t be possible but that supreme power ‘God ‘,also can control a persons life,create difference between human beings ,between man and women ,suggest some rule of society to impaired free thinking ,that’s where i am a atheist and i also not a feminist there should be a limit for everyone whether you are a lady or a man,just because you are a girl, talking about female right you can’t take every advantage but where society think career of a girl is less important than her husband and family, efficiency of a female is questionable in professional and working place, smoking and drinking is injurious to health for men only and it’s injurious to her character for a lady, short skirt , boy friends, late nights are a character certificate also  ,that’s where i am also a feminist. yes still in Indian culture if you born as e free thinking women it’s obvious you will became a atheist and feminist and with your personal and professional problem you have to fight with that situation also and in this situation there is two option otherwise you digest and stay like other women tried to happy or you go against every useless concept and tried to spend your whole life to prove it and make yourself a person of disrespect in front of society and shame for your parent ,end your life with a failed war. I choose the first option. It’s not like i never tried to establish my thought and live my life like my own way , but when your loved ones didn’t stand by your side everything became very difficult in this world , I can announce war against each and everyone but not against my parents and my family and here i am with a shameless hope which never goes die and a fake identity made up by society in the name of a false god.

What can i do? Instead of writing ,sharing,trying,thinking ,waiting and digesting because today i realize that a person is very small and powerless in front of his/her destiny. Willpower is for extraordinary jewels not for  for a ordinary girl.

GROWING UP IS LIKE A IRONY

May be i am the first person who’s thinking herself unlucky for thinking something sense.I was seventeen when i tried to ran out from my house and want to escape from my all problems of life,that time i did’t know what a world could be for a seventeen year old girl,but now I am twenty six and  it’s feel like same misery ,exact same suffuring but this time i can think more practically, now i know what a outer world could be and it’s feel like a curse. From one side i am bounded emotionally ,on the other side i bound by my principles of life and now it can’t be like 9 years before. That time  i could leave everything and just can go way from life,what do i have to think more practically??? Some time i just could’t control my anger and it’s feel like i want to break everything in the house,shout like a animal,push away everyone who tried to come in front of me and talk with me like nonsense but i never did  because it would be like childish and i am a grown up now and i have to think practically ,live practically and do practically. Sometime i became so frustrated that it’s feel like i want to pick up the phone and texed him that “don’t ever talk to me about your shitty problem you have no idea what i am going through and instead of listening to me,cheering up you just ignore me???never reply me back ,comment on my post aftar i told you to??? Then why you told me that i did’t hold you back aftar your first year,i just yelled on  you,what type of person are you who repeat his mistake on the same person whom he accused for the same mistake.”. Then i thought ‘no ,i can’t do this,what else he could do? this argument probably end up in a fight and nothing will be solved because our fight could’t solve  my life problem right now ,he is in goa it will just spoil his mood’. So i kept silence.

Yes I am a adult now and i have to learn to control my anger and frustration, i could’t act like that ,i could’t think like that. I can’t messed up my own problem with my family and boyfriend,I can’t messed up my relationship with them because of my own frustration, i can’t endanger my parents relationship for my own problem. I have to remain it within me silently ,infact sometime i have to pretend that i am ok with it whatever happening in my life and  keep working silently and wait for the moment when everything going to be fine.There is no way you can let go your anger and frustration by shouting ,breaking things,pushing everyone away.Sometime it’s gonna be tough ,sometime your anger will turn into tears but it will make you stronger day by day and there will be time when you can understand what your life going to be. You get what you want from life or you never can get what you desire for and you have to ok with it.

THERE IS A PLACE FOR WOMEN.

Why she has to be a second choice aftar a boy during birth or a compromise when she born instead of a boy,is it necessary to criticize her during birth?

Why she is impure when it’s just a ability of her to create another life,should she has to be a infertile then ?? Can anyone guarantee that society will accept her that kind of purity??

Why she is unacceptable in soceity when she’s raped as because she did’t agree with forced sex ??Then it’s mustn’t a big problem if she choose to have sex willingly? I dont’t think so then she will called a characterless or bold or desparate in socity?

Why men can abuse a lady saying prostitute,slut,bitch but a lady can’t use slang in front of everyone to abuse a men,then she became a girl who has no manars??? I mean the people who created all this they have any idea what it’s feel like when someone touch you in your private parts in a crowded place??

A sleeveless top and a ragged jeans is a invitation for a boys,is that mean the mentality of a rapist and eve teaser  is because of the dress?? From the day all girl are started to wear a sharee or salwear all this will be stopped ???

It’s better not to talk about smoking and drinking ,it’s a offence for a boy but a sin for a girl.Can anyone explain to me why???Is it less injurious to health for boys or what???

Actually it’s a irreversible rotten socity. Some facebook posts on women’s day,some powerful vouge video by Deepika padukone,some argument between real feminism and fake feminism dosn’t going to change anything. There is no way anyone( girls or boys) can change this because we let the socity to be with us like this and when we realize all this its became very late because it’s not easy to  break a fundamental old concept.

so lets try to ignore what bound you ,may be now it’s called reckless but one upcoming day it will be called as a freedom and try to make it a less suffocating socity for a girl so that when we became parents our daughter dont’t have to post this kind of  writting for her identity.

                                          Dedicated to all wonderful mother,responsible daughter,loving girlfriend,caring wife ,supporting sister and inspiring teacher in this WOMENS DAY.

 

optimism-stupidity or positivity?

I came to a realization why movies are called entertainment and why a inspirational book called good counselor itself because in movies if you feel low for losing your job your parents will give you a lot money for world tour,if you feeling low for break up suddenly you will find a promising career , if you have nothing career a good friend then you will have a rich father and in books there are lots of techniques to overcome your depression like never stop chasing your dream, stay focused,you have to think about your dream everyday,if you will do the work you actually want to do then you will find interest and you will progress in future gradually,always think positive etc etc and we are stupid that we actually follow all those lines and incidents in movies and books and tried to fit in our own life and keep hoping that there will be some good will happen one day .Let me talk about a girl then it will be easier to understand.

If we exclude her personal life problem then here is the condition.she is 27yr old and she is a dentist ,yes she is a doctor.she was a good student but her studies hamper during twelve for her stupidity so she did’t get Mbbs ,she got Bds(dentistry). Nevermind something is better than nothing.well she has no regret ,because she is very optimistic and she knew what she lost for her stupidity she will gain that with her hard work. She need one year to catch up with the study ,but she study hard for 2nd year,the total was not that bad and she got Hons, well she did’t mind atleast she got Hons next time she will do far better,she continue her study and she really work hard this time because it’s her last year and her last chance ,she study in her own way and she also tried to study like her room mate who always study only last ten year question paper but rank very well and she also notice some girls are very good at cheating in exam hall but got 80%,well cheating is not a easy task for her and she also never like this way for good marks so she study but at the end the day she can’t,her all friends got hons ,a good marks but she got a average. She was really shocked and hurt because she lost her last chance but everybody say that this much marks is enough to  get a good department for housestuffship so she did’t loose hope,the girl is always a optimist remember? Well she did’t get the best department but got good departments and everybody say that RCT is not that popular in patient  so it’s ok if  she did’t get chance in best department. And she knew that academic and professional life are completely diffarent ,if she tried hard she can be a well established doctor in future,she can’t loose hope so easily ,just for the result in final year.she tried for MDS once but she loose her interest in study aftar too many faliure in results of college year and aftar all it’s not sure she  will get the result of study,she already know that very well so she decided to start her own chember,she love to do dental work always. It’s her dream to be a wellknown famous doctor,lots of busy schedule,lots of patients.so she decided to chase her dream. she strarted to go for a another one’s chember first to train herself for chember environment before she could start her own chember.Aftar sometime she start her own chember.At first there was no patient for more than one month but everybody said doctor’s have to wait for their patients,so  she also did the same, and from the middle of january patient started to come not lots of patients but few, enough for starting. She get some relife, expansive instruments,flex ,hordings,hand bill,prescription pads,cards,switch board,pipe line,so many things to do for a dentist’s chember but if patient come it’s worth everything. But suddenly from nowhere her landlady started to create some unwanted embarassing chaos and suddenly it’s became so big that it became  impossible for her to did chember in that place and she had to close her chember. She broke completely.she had to establish for her own and for their marrige ,otherwise her parents won’t support.Every friend of her someone got job,someone get married and setteled,someone running their chember successfully. She is not established,she had no job (as because she had no political catch, common in west bengal ), and  she love a mushlim guy so she can’t be married right now. Sometime she thougt she can go for outing with her friends  so that she can feel fresh and she tried also but aftar so many requests ,begging her parents did’t allow her.There was no way remain instead of starting a new chember again. She started to find a rented place beside old chember so that she can get her old patients but the rent was too high not possible for a start up.She started a new chember in another place  and find a call lettter for a job in a establish club for doctor’s purpose ,very little salary but atleast she could be get engaged herself. Again she started to gain her faith again,the girl is a very optimistic one i told you before but they never call for the job interview .What could she do she start her new chember from begining but she wasn’t much excited like before and it’s like she had to do this, there is no other way ,its better than sitting in the house all day. Nothing was like before,she always went to parlar when she feel low but she can understand now it’s will be dificult aftar sometime to afford her depression if everytime she went to parlar when she feel depressed.she can’t go for outing instead of seeing and liking her friends outing in facebook her parents won’t allow,she can’t be married and start a new joint chember with her dentist boyfriend because her parents won’t allow.So there is nothing left for her to do without this.

I know it’s became very boring story so lets not discuss about the every part of the story but belive me it’s not a story its a real one.So according to all inspirational books and movies she always study hard but what happened she never get the result,she always work hard but never been successful,she always chase her dream but still she did’t get anything,she never loose hope but destiny never been always with her. Yes she belived in destiny not all fucking bullshit like ,’everybody make her own destiny’.Absolutely idiotic bullshit it is otherwise how can her neighbour who got a back in HS ,can get a job and earning money where she crack WBJEE ,be a dentist and earning hardly one hundred per month. she is just fucking tired of waithing for patients,tired of chasing her dream,tired of hearing all the patient and chember story of her friends.Sometime it make her jelous,angry of her friends she don’t want to but her faliure overcome everything sometime.Everyone of her age,her friends,her batchmates are made a great progress in their life ,make some change aftar college but she is still same misarable but she never feel like she did’t try,she always tried .you know curse all those books,author,movies which teaches us to never loose hope,your time will be come oneday.What it never come like it happen in final year in college she was so sure about the result,she was so focused,she did’t had one negetive thought also during doing her chember,what happened??? universe didn’t conspire to get those to her.

If hope is only chance to live ,then optimism is a stupidity and if you have to live in this world you have to stupid like beliving in, your happy day will come oneday,if you did some good work it will return to you,if someone hurt you he \she will get punished ,if you never stop chasing your dream it will be your’s oneday.

JUST MISSING YOU SO MUCH TODAY

It’s been  eight years we are togather,so many fights,so many ups and down,so many loving moments,so many unforgetable moments, sometime you broke i bring you back sometime i broke you settle me down . Suddenly oneday i realize you became a unsepareble part of mine.

You remember there were not a single day when we both  didn’t spent a quality time togather and talked for atleast one hour whatever the topic is argument or normal conversation or during make love with you.Everybody was always telling us how we both will be manage aftar our housestuffship , I also always been very afraid about that thought, how i will be able to manage aftar all this without you.But surprisingly i manage quite well and you also i know that .Actually your love always teach me to be strong,you remember?when i fell insecure your involvment with other work you also inspire me to engage myself with my hobbies,teach me to be happy with other extracurricular activities and i was so happy coming 2nd in the antaksari. Remember? when i became so depressed thinking about our intercast marrige problem and the drama going on my family ,i completely drag myself down,my friend was telling me that i should broke up with you for the sake of my family,then there was you who told me that when we both met we choose to be togather and that time we knew what’s gonna happen atleast we should try to talk with our family aftar we both establish and we should decide and let the family be decide and when we had that big fight and our relationship almost come to an end it was you who help to realize again what you mean to me. U know i never told you but that day when i did that mistake for what i will never be able to forgive myself but you forgive me ,that day i understand the meaning of trust and the respect for one’s to his lady. You never love me without my flaws,you always told me what is my fault and rectify me . Yes there is still some shortcomings from my side, from your side which can be unseen because you worth it.It is you who make me this much strong. I know very well we have to be separate for sometime for the sake of our future , we have to build our future,we have to make a way for our permanent togatherness .

There is so much you suffer ,there is so much i suffer and we both suffer ,our relationship suffer,i just want to an end of everything . Enough of fight,stupid silly things,taking bullshit ideas from fake well wisher,tension, i just want to be with you now at any cost and i know aftar that if any problem come we can face it togather easily.

I read a novel “The Alchemist”-by Paulo Coelho where i read that if you want something from the core of your heart universe always conspire for your desire. Its been 8years and i don’t why universe is so much biased about us but i am not scared like before now i have the strenth to fight against destiny and socity because there is no doubt for me that whatever happen you are the piece of mine and you are the reason for my smile and my remedy for misery.

FROM LIFE(3)

Is it everybody allowed to do atleast one mistake in her whole life?? What if she get a lesson  and started to understand where her fault lies or what she actually want from her life?Then??Still it will be count as a sin ?? Actually life is’t that much easy, sometime it can be like you didn’t get a second chance to start again or u didn’t  get anyone to stand beside you. I don’t know about others but i was lucky enough.

The mistakes of my life

It will sound very dramatic but it was like history repeating itself. A healthy relationship give you positive energy but a unhealthy relationship always drag you down. The condition between me and Raj was worse ever ,there was nothing like we both can understand each other,any dicussion was ending in a argument and fight and half of  the day i was spending saying sorry. I started to suffocate and wanted a way out. What I could do at that time was broke up with him which I didn’t,instead of doing that I started to date someone else,I started to cheat on him.And this happen twice . I talked over phone with that boy ,I was in no mental condition to think what i am doing and where our relationship going and our means both me and raj and me and that boy. I started to meet with him outside,we liked each other,i was feeling alive again,we became close and what surprises me writting this is why not even once i did’t feel guilty???? I don’t no about love from my side but that boy took care of me,he told me he love me and  I did’t stop seeing him what provoking him to think i want to be  in a relationship with him. Actually i do ,i wanted to be in a relationship with him but not because i love him is because i wanted   to come out from another relationship.I did’t realize that it’s not obvious to be in another relationship to come out from a relationship,i didnt i was cheated both equally that boy and Raj.

Aftar a certain period it became impossible for me to carry both relation i decided to break up with him,with Raj and the thing is i wanted to do it not because feel guilty or i fell in love with that boy it’s because i was tired of being in two relationship.

Aftar a huge fight ,argument,aftar so many apology and so many request from Raj suddenly i decided i was doing very wrong and i broke up with that boy.Again a mistake ,i patched up with him because i feel pity of her begging  not to leave him. Well aftar all this our relationship start again but it was not like before for me.I feel irritated,’ why he request me so much?Dosn’t he has any self respect?’ The irony of our relationship didn’t change aftar all this it was just like before,he promised me millon times that he will change and he fell very sorry for what he did . But it was just like before same ignorence,argument,stubborness,shouting and end with saying sorry for me. You know ‘this sorry ‘ is one of my biggest mistake ,its like you made yourself very much easily available for someone,making  yourself taken for granted.

Again i wanted a way out,I met a boy,we talked over phone ,we started to go out,we fell in love with each other?? I wasn’t sure,May be i did,we became close,we decidedt o start a relationship and then again i decided to broke up with Raj.Again that fight,argument ,so many apology,begging etc etc. But suddenly what happened i became very cruel,i was this much irritated that i decided not to pick up his phone and if i din’t then he came to my flat, we fight over night in the terrace,he came to my deparment creating scenes in front of my patient and i became more and more cruel irritated frustrated and angry. I wanted to go away from him so much and i just don’t want let me go anyway.  I know very well I was  love of his life but that time he became obsessed with that like a crazy person on the other hand i lost total faith in our relationship and the condition was like he did’t want to broke up with me at any cost  and i don’t want to be with him at any cost. And when all this things are became a daily routine i finally told him ‘i am in love with another person’.

Is it all my fault??

Suddenly i became the villain for everyone,for Raj ,For his friends.for my friends,in front of whole college because it was not a secret between us anymore that ‘Avishikta broke up with habib she is with another guy not for one for twice and of course she is a slut’ My room mate , some of my close friend told me that ‘if you want to be with someone then be with someone ,why you cheated on him,why didn’t you broke up with him then involved with someone.’ Now here the thing is i cant predict future,no one can , even people cant predict a relationship also , I heard very long lusting strong relation come to an end  just because of small fights between them,so unaware of everything i did decided to broke up with him,yes I  cheated on him, I was acting like a selfish cruel bitch but is there any other option .When i was with Raj he started to behave like before,when i decided to broke up with him he started to being obssesed about me like a pscyco,ok i can understand that his love for me is like a obsession for him but where was your obsession when you are with me,when we start our relation aftar so many apology and begging??? Is it totally My fault? Suddenly everyone just like I am the main culprit. Actually there is no fault of them,it’s a rule of socity to point out to a girl ,because it’s the most popular entertainment and easy thing to do,why everyone will think ,’there may be some reason,may be there is another reason too etc etc.’,then it will be less entertainment and  less spicy and it will take more energy and positivity to think and aftar all this concept i involved with another one, i gave them a reason.

FROM LIFE(2)

If there is misery then of course there will be happiness one day,there is a time for everything ,if you are going through a misery it’s not like it’s your destiny,it’s just matter of time ,chapter of everyone’s life- Happiness and Misery.

The Boyfriend

Leaving my house for the first time i came to live in kolkata in a girl’s hostel.Name of my college is Dr R Ahmed Dental College And Hospital,India’s oldest Dental college.When first day i came to college with my father it’s look like a old big house more than India’s no 1 Dental college.Well it didn’t disappoint me much because at that time i was thinking only about leaving my house ,which i dreamt from very begining which ultimately succesfully done by me.

At the particular day i took my luggage and shifted to ladies hostel with my other batch mates.It’s in the ground floor ,a dormatory,room for six person and my room mates seems very nice to me.From the next day i started to go to the college. Aftar finishing our classes a group of senior came and ordered us to go to the SLT room for interaction. Aftar 2-3 days we undestand that it’s a task for junior to go to the SLT room daily aftar class and same condition in the hostel aftar dinner everyday.That time it was a very panicking incident for us but aftar so many years when i recall those memories i can feel how much fun it was,hope i can get back all those days.The hostel life,the ragging,gossip in terrace with friends,shopping aftar college,first recipe in hostel hitter,late night study and eating maggi before exam-i wish i can experience all those things once again.

There was part for everyone in SLT or in hostel, a  must asked question,’whom do you like in your batch in a dffarent way’ and you have to answer anything either you like someone or not. One day aftar class some of our batchmates were sitting togather and gossiping about out late night  ragging when he told me that “I took your name when senior asked me whom do you like most” and here i met Habibur Rahaman for the first time flirting with me.Some of you who belong from any engineering or medical college they know very well most of the love story in this colleges started like this, from this ragging part  and we were not exceptional.we talk over phone ,we texed,we talk aftar class,we sit togather in the class and oneday when i was in my friends house he proposed me in text,’so unromatic ‘ i thought.It was 12th november 2010 ,he proposed with a bunch of roses and we hugged in the middle of the road. we talked about diffarent places,food,movies,study,gossip about friends .sometime we share our past ,we planed our future, we talk about our ex,we talk about our dream. For the first time someone listen to me so carefully,for the first time i open up to someone this much,for the first time someone respect my thought, for the first time someone fight for me against a batchmate,someone stand for me,for the first time someone talk to me softly when i feel low and told me “don’t worry everything will be allright” ,for the first time i feel attracted to someone. Its not the day he proposed to me i fell in love with him each and everyday gradually and incresingly, it was just beyond my control , more than i could imagine, better than i could think. When he hold my hand i can feel my confidence growing inside me,when he hugged me i can feel the trust  inside me which he gave to me,when he kissed me i can feel my heartbeat pounding,. I fall in love with him like a crazy person.

Too much is poison

Whatever it is good or bad too much is always poison. There is thousands of couple in this world  and everyone has their issues but its was my past experience which make me love him more than normal, it’s for the lack of respect , attaintion , ignorence from my parents which drive me to became a insecure jelous girlfriend. I always wanted to get everything from him love of my parents and love of a boyfriend.Soon it’s became like if he spent some time with his other friends i feel insecure,if he join some extra curricular activity i  feel like may be his centre of attention is anything else not me.And our first  fight start when he join TMCP unit in our college and decided to go for excurtion held from college in manali. Obviously i wasn’t allowed to go out of the states and aftar telling raj everything i hoped that may be he will say that “ok if you cant go i also dont want to go without you” but it was  nothing like that, he wanted go and he did what he wanted to he didnt listen to me.Now thats absurd ,if you love someone truely ofcourse you will allow him \her to fulfill his\her desire,love is a part of life it’s not your life,if you forget everything for the sake of your love and there is only your beloved one nothing else soon your life will be dull and boring.For Raj he did’t belong from a type of family,whose parent love to travel very much  but he always wanted to  travel and he got a chance in college so he decided to go ,there is nothing wrong he is doing and specially when i got a chance to travel every year with my family. And its just a example,there is many more thing happen like this,i always wanted him to be with me, always interrupt him in every point,soon he became irritated and frustrated and tragedy happened next when he got a year lag in 1st year.

When we start our relationship everyone in our college gossiping about me that “A rich beautiful hindu girl dated a mushlim guy just for fun”,we knew about this we did’t care much but when he got year lag everyone became obvious about our breakup.I am not saying i handle the situation very well because we both tried to handle the situation strongly sometime he failed and sometime me.He tried to involve me in everything he could to treat my insecurity,it worked a bit but for a good student having a suppli in the 1st year of college its not a very easy thing to digest and this incident is a very big turning point in our relationship.Yes we hold each others hand to pass the phage but as because he being isolated from our class he started to spend more time with his friends in union room A insecurity is always worked within him that may be he will be gradually isolated from the friend circle because of this year lag and because of that he started to participate in everything in college.sometime i feel very angry he did’t answer my phone properly,did’t reply back,our time of conversation over phone is decrease.sometime if something  bad happen or something excited he has no time to talk about that properly. Everything changed,everything was just not like before,that ignorence kills me,when he shouted on me in frustration thats hurt me.suddenly he became very stubborn,everytime we fight he never said sorry although sometime it was his fault also, inspite of talking softly he always shouted on me like hell,i cried but he did’t care,when i tried to gain some sympathy talking about my parents he did’t care and  my chilhood is my most sensitive part of my life and that ignorence hurt a lot,we started to fight in each and a very small and big things. I never liked what he told ,the way he spoke when we fight,so most of the time i said sorry to end the matter and soon became its a habit .Whatever i told him about his fault he always stand some reason to deny the fact if its did’t work he started to shout and i started to get hut,he switched off his phone for all night and the argument end saying sorry by me.

This create a huge gap between our relationship. Though the frustration of year lag is over aftar a certain time but what i told before “soon became its a habit” and for this he took me for granted . Soon its became like i remain silent when he shouted on me,started to busy with phone each and every time when we going out for dinner or shopping or just after being physical .I was tried of saying sorry and explaining everything to him.It was again just same as before i started to suffocate inside but what was not like before is he never give up on me,he never stop hoping for our relation.

 

FROM LIFE(1)

Read a novel today “The monk who sold his ferrari”_by Robin Sharma. Although didnt finish the book yet but some line really drag me to keep the book aside and staing at the wall for sometime and thinking what line i just read. The book is full of positivity,how anyone can keep aside his\her prbl and can live a happy prosparous life,can find positivity in any kind of negetivity,can focus their mind only to positivity whatever happen in their life,found a reason to happen in any unpleasant act in their life. Is it really possible to think in this way about my life????

 The nightmare

Actually whenever someone ask me what am i or i can i define myself?? I always answered them that ‘I am an very much optimistic person and full of positivity’ and i actually belive in this concept very much that optimism is the thing that keep people alive and there is always a good reason behind every pleasant and unwanted act happen to your life may be initially u will regret but evantually u will come to know if you have a talent to think think in that way ofcourse. And the matter is upto certain point of time i really proud of myself  that i can control my mind with this concept and i always make fun of them who really couldnt handle a bad result in exam,a break up or any other things. But Destiny always assess your ability based on your virtue and the same exact thing happen to me.

If i recall my past history it was’t very plesant for me.There was some reason i always had a feeling inside me that i am an unwanted in this world,i could’t do anything with my life. I was alone in school ,i had no friends. It’s not  like i had a fight with everyone in my school it’s just i could’t make any friends because my parents ,they had a very negetive attitude towards my friends even now and i  came to know the reason is some astrologer told them that my friend circle around me  will be very bad for my future.Of course my parents were happy with their first born child but they really didn’t express in that way. Now I am almost 26 but still i just could’t forgot some of my incidents from childhood. No its not like i had a step mother or my  father or mother had a  extramarital affair, or i experienced a child abuse incident it’s less than that. Its just I could’t fit in my family,could’t fit in this socity from where i belong,when i was 3 from that age may be my relatives my parents started to talk  about me like i am a nonsense un smart  idiot. I mean how can at that age you can define someones charactar like this in front of her and i my biggest complain is my parents never protest.May be that’s why they never became my friends they always been very busy with their own fight ,they don’t care about anything  at all whether its my final exam ,my birthday,our day out or whatever,they never encourege me for my study or anything. The main point is because of all this a insecurity ,a lack of confidence, overall a unhappiness grows inside and outside my world.And everythings happen for no reason,i still don’t know why i was an idiot unsmart child for them at that age and even if i was why they did’t teach me how to be clever and smart,why they belive  in so much on an astrologer instead of thinking the nesesscity of friends in a child’s life ,why they always criticize a fight with my friend instead of telling me that it’s nataral. Then and still now i have a anger  inside me towards my parent for each and everything and which is most suffocating is i never cant explain all this to them .Ofcourse there was love ,care but something was missing always.

And its a dangerous phase in anyone’s life u know ,when you have no friends to talk and share ,when you have this kind of situation in your family,when you beacame insecure unhappy and depressed,you have so much to tell but you couldn’t ,everything was inside you constantly stricking on your mind at this point when a person loose herself,forgot to think stright and forgeting everything just took a stupid silly step for her life.At that situation it was impossible  to think for a 16th year old girl who was driven only by anger ,frustration,depression and suffocation to understand her descision.she just wanred to be free from all of this and without thinking the consequences she decided to ran from the house. Although destiny planned something else for me ,i did ran but wasn’t succesful and here i am.

But ” No matter what happens to your life,you alone have the capacity to choose your response to it,when you form the habit of searching for the positive in every circumstance,your life will move into highest dimensions”-Robin sharma. And aftar everything i choose to response to my life positively.

When you have this kind of situation in your house its natural you will find love outside ,and when your parents came to know about this you will be characterless girl for the socity . Honestly i don’t care about socity but for my parents its a sin to make boyfriends when you are not established in your life as if feelings came understanding the requirement,like “ok now i am establish now lets find boyfriend,now its the time”. I mean its even sounds very funny for me how can i let it be happen to my life. Whatever its a sin for them and i became a useless characterless reckless uncontolable girl for them.Actually the thing is they were right .At the age of sixteen i decided to ran from my house at the middle of the night, I got physical when i was seventeen ofcourse it was reckless characterless and useless thing to do at that age but the thing is they never told me how it can effect my life badly,what i should do in my life now,what result will be for all of this,they didnt think once why a sixteen year old girl suddenly decided to ran from the house,what was in her mind,they did’t spoke a word expect some of this words reckless characterless,useless,prostitute. May be at that time if they told me once that”We love you,don’t do this for us,everything will be alright oneday i promise” ,i m sure my life was diffarent from now.It was the craziest phase of my life,a nightmare.But besides all of that i always had a hope oneday i will recover everything,there will be life of my own around me,the respect what i did’t get from childhood someone will give me that immensely. I choose to response positively ,studied hard as far as i could,i barely spoke with my parents and i got chance in WBJEE MEDICAL(Dentistry).I got out from the nightmare and went to kolkata to live the next phage of my life and i gain a confidence if i can overcome that part  of my life i can overcome anything in my life and i feel proud of myself that i choose to be optimistic and positive in that situation and build myself  as a strong one.